May 9
When Mum came home from the Opital she did notice somefing that Dad has completely missed, and she is absolutely furious, she says. When the dopey woman came to collect her cats wot were living in our shed, she didn’t bother to tell Mum she had actual left one behind. Yesterday, Mum caught a glimpse of the cat wot got lefted behind, hiding behind the dinghy in the shed. The cat is a girl-cat, and quite very actual triangleshaped, which means she’s going to have babies very actual soon, Mum
finks. Mum has given the cat’s owner the new name of ‘stupid, selfish woman.’
May 11
It’s taken Mum two days to catch the left-behind cat. She finally managed to trap her in the shed, but then she didn’t do communercating actual Worzel Wooface proper-like, so that, when she wented into the house to get the cat basket, Dad let the cat escape. Things gotted quite loud then, and words
like ‘stoopid,’ ‘unfinking’ and ‘mind-reader’ began flying about. It was one of those conversations that was never going to end unless someboddedy did acting like a grown-up. ‘You let her out!’ ‘You didn’t say what you were doing’ ‘It should have been obvious’ ‘Why should it have been obvious?’
I wented and hid in my crate because it all got very quite noisy. All the harguing did suddenly stop when Dad caughted sight of the cat sneaking back into the shed. Mum and Dad did epic teamwork and managed to get her trapped and crated and fed and blanketed and all calmed down from being caught ... and then they forgived each other for being plonkers. Truth is, they is both quite very actual stressed about the previously ginger one, and missing her and worrying about her. It does make hoomans act very quite different when they is being stressed up to the eyeballs.
There has been no discussion about wot they plan to do with the cat now she has been caughted. Dad says he knows betterer than to do or say anyfink other than wot he is actual told. Mum is so upsetted bout the previously ginger one that anyfink being a distraction is a good fing. Mum can’t get to Southampton as often as she would like because it costs too much monies, and the previously ginger one is miserable and missing Mum and Dad. It’s all a total nightmare, according to Dad, and if that means he has to help look after a stray cat for a few weeks, then that’s wot is going to have to happen. That’s when Mum mentioned the triangle shape and kittens and ...
Sometimes, my Dad is an actual saint, you know? On the phone to the previously ginger one, he did even mention the preggerant stray cat, heven though he knew wot she would say. She’s got somefing to look forward to now, Mum says. Dad says he’s got weeks of emptying litter trays and managing two nutty Lurchers to look forward to, plus the very actual fact that We. Will. Be. Keeping. One. Of. The. Kittens. He is resigned to the fact, he says. Mum smiled tonight.
The quite very actual adventures of Worzel Wooface is available now over at the H&H website.
View an interview with the author, Cath Pickles, on our YouTube channel!
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